Christmas Presents

I’ve given up agonizing over trying to find the perfect present for Christmas. That is just silly. And impossible, I might add. (That’s an odd phrase: “I might add.” I mean, if you said it, you added it. No “might” about it.)

There are some perfect gifts out there. You might even come across them around Christmas time and consider yourself a lucky shopper. But don’t count on it.

A lot of people focus on the youngsters in the family for presents. This is a nice idea. If you don’t have any idea what to get them, all you have to do is go to your mailbox. The catalogues, magazines and flyers are there to help you. They are there every … single … day.

For example, what does the Bass Pro Shop suggest as that very special gift for that very special child in your life? How about a Marshmallow Crossbow? Yes, Virginia, they do exist. They can be used indoors or outdoors. (Indoors? I didn’t say that, they did.) There go all your lamps, smashed to pieces by ricocheting marshmallows.

Not into archery? Then consider the Marshmallow Shooters. Choose the camoflauge or pink model. They fire marshmallows up to 30 feet away! They are dishwasher safe. You can also purchase a target. Excuse me, a target? I just assumed the target would be another kid.

But, wait, there’s more! To complete the set, you can buy specially-made Marshmallowville Marshmallows for the shooters. Theirs is a secret recipe, with “more starch and less sugar so that they both shoot and taste better (to humans) than ordinary marshmallows.”

I don’t know why they have “to humans” in parentheses. Are there other types of marshmallows, say, for turtles? For cats?

But, hey, these special marshmallows shoot better and that’s all that matters. I don’t see how they can taste better if you are shooting them at a target or a lamp instead of at someone who will eat them. Such a waste of perfectly good junk food.

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