Don’t try this at home

Some things just can’t be done by an amateur. Those TV commercials with driving stunts have a disclaimer on them for a reason. I think that statement started when they showed the Apollo astronauts on the moon in their lunar rover: Professional driver on closed course. Do not attempt.

My limitations are bit more earthly and prosaic. My latest attempt at something impossible was styling my hair like my stylist does. My results don’t even come close. And I end up with a few injuries.

In the winter, when the humidity is relatively low, Irene can blow dry my hair and then use the flat iron. The first time she suggested it, I had this vision of leaning my head over an ironing board and her pressing my hair with a Sunbeam iron.

Turns out that’s not how it’s done . . . anymore. Fortunately for me, when that was the method, I was living in the desert where ‘humidity’ isn’t even in the dictionary and my hair was straight on its own accord. Now there is a hand-held device, a flat iron, with the opposite goal of a curling iron. Flat iron, now I get it.

So we tried it. I am nothing if not adventurous. (Sometimes.) Lo and behold, I had straight hair again. For one day, until I washed it. Hey, I thought, maybe I could do this. As long as I’m willing to get up an hour earlier each day. Well, I’m not, but I tried it on a weekend.

Straight Hair
Straight hair, for one day

First I tried to blow dry my hair like Irene did. She used a round hair brush. She put the brush under a section of my hair, slid it down to the end and then twirled my hair up on the brush and gently let it out while aiming the blow dryer on it.

I have a round hair brush. I twirled my hair up on the brush and there it stayed, tangled. It took quite an effort for me to get out that brush without ripping out my hair from the roots.

I fixed that problem. I got a brush just like Irene’s. Yes, so much better. Now I can twirl my hair up and scrape my neck with the bristles. Ow! Ow! It’s not easy explaining those scratches on my neck; I don’t even have a cat to blame it on.

Then there is the flat iron. Shall I mention that it’s hot? Yes, I shall. It’s hot. And it doesn’t open very wide, so you have to be very careful with your fingers. And your neck. Trust me. It’s not easy explaing burn marks on my neck. No, they are not hickies.

I’m thinking that somewhere I should have paid attention to the straight hair disclaimer: Don’t try this at home.

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