A sewing machine. Thread. Fabric. A nine-patch quilt block pattern.
How hard can it be?
Let me count the ways . . . in no particular order.
1. The thread breaks.
2. The needle splits the thread.
3. My dog comes in, nudges my elbow and increases my quarter-inch seam by, oh, an inch.
4. I stab myself with the scissors (sharp scissors).
5. The bobbin runs out of thread.
6. The new bobbin thread gets all birds-nest-like on the underside of the fabric.
7. The sewing machine cord gets unplugged. Not enough to see that the unplugged cord is the problem. It’s only unplugged enough to prevent electricity from getting to the machine, causing me to whimper.
8. The needle breaks.
9. The new needle falls out of the machine while I am sewing, becoming stuck in the fabric.
10. I stab myself with the pins.
11. The presser foot falls off.
12. My iPhone beeps, notifying me of the Cubs score. They lost.
13. The floor lamp light bulb burns out.
14. My Internet connection goes out when I try to watch YouTube videos on how to sew a nine-patch. In desperation, I consider calling my instructor to tell her I can’t remember anything from the last class. Nah. I decide to just make it up as I go along.
15. My “3-inch” squares are not all 3 inches. Some are smaller, some larger.
16. I run out of raised horizontal surfaces in the house to use as fabric auditioning platforms.
17. My snippet gets snippy with me.
18. I stab myself with the stiletto. (It’s a legal sewing tool. Do not call the sheriff.)
19. I burn myself with the iron.
20. I forget to pin.
21. The iron runs out of water, for steam.
22. My glasses fog up from the steam from the newly-filled iron.
23. The electricity goes off at the house, due to lightning in the vicinity.
24. My quarter-inch seams are not a quarter-inch, even when my dog is not helping me.
25. I can’t remember which direction to press the seams on which rows.
26. I didn’t cut enough fabric.
27. I knock over the iron.
28. The dishes refuse to wash themselves.
29. Right sides go together? Oops.
30. I can’t find my instructions from class. (There’s a surprise.)
31. I’m hungry.
32. I stab myself with the seam ripper.